But Why?

Why do people have to die? I wish they didn't. I have never lost someone extremely close to me and of course the idea scares me but because I have never had to endure such a loss, in turn I have never had to fully grasp it.

I was thrown into death and dealing with it recently by taking a forensic position that I thought I was completely ready for. It turns out I am just as emotional as I thought, if not more. My mind tends to analyze and over analyze events especially life changing ones. It is not that I do not feel that I am uncapable of doing this job, I know I have the knowledge, I'm working on getting more experience and my reasoning for doing this job is as strong as ever. Do I believe I can do this job forever? Hell no. I do however believe that this job experience will only make me a better police officer but my drive to be a police officer is not just alive, it's thriving more than it ever has.

When I decided that I wanted to be a police officer I felt as though it wasn't even a decision, it was something that I was called to do, born to do. I always said two things. One, I promised my mother I would never let the job change me and in turn I made a promise to myself that I would quit if I thought that the job was jeopardizing who I was and my happiness. Two, I said that if I could choose how to die I wanted to die in the line of duty, protecting someone, an innocent person. I still see the heroic "appeal" but I do not know that I would call it "appeal" anymore. My new thinking is why would I was to die violently, by some punk and put my family through all of the suffering of knowing that some jerk face killed me? No, I want to save all the innocent people I can and live through it with them.

To be continued ...